Document everything! Keep accurate records of what you find. Don’t
try to rely on your memory. Record your findings in a journal and keep
it under lock and key. Log in the dates, times and places that
suspicious incidents occur. (phone calls, absences, meetings,
excuses or alibis given, names dropped, etc.)
If you have everything down in
black-and-white, you can analyze what you’ve found to see if there are
patterns to his behavior.
Does he have to go to the store for cigarettes or a beer around 8:30
every Thursday night? Do anonymous phone calls only arrive a half
hour before or after he leaves for his weekly night out with the guys?
Does he walk the dog an unusually long time the first and third
Sunday of each month? Does he put on cologne to go work out at the
gym? Does he wear his best suit or one of his favorite shirts only on
days he calls home to say he has to work late?
Patterns like these will only be evident if you carefully document the
things you find.
Exercise Caution
When you find tangible, physical evidence, pay close attention to
exactly where and how it was found. Be careful to put things back
exactly as they were to keep from arousing his suspicion.
When possible, make photocopies or take photos of love notes, phone
numbers, e-mails, letters, incriminating receipts and similar items
you happen to come across.
Store your "evidence journal" in a safe place. You’ll need it when you
sit down and tell your husband you know about his affair.
As you go about conducting your
investigation, be discreet. Keep your eyes and ears open and your
mouth shut. Maintain your secrecy; be careful not to tip your hand.
Don't let your husband know that you suspect anything at all. Live
your life as normally as you while checking your husband out. Treat
him the same way you did before you began to have doubts. Otherwise,
he may become suspicious.
Once he gets wind that you're "on to him", he may start hiding
evidence or attempt to cover his tracks. As long as he doesn’t know
that you’re suspicious, it will be easier to find out what’s going on.
Don’t Ask – He Won’t Tell
Continue watching your husband and the pieces of the puzzle will
gradually start falling into place. A lot of his strange behavior
will suddenly begin to make sense.
However, you should prepare yourself for the
possibility that it could take weeks before you find out the truth.
During the time you’re observing your husband, you may be tempted to
question him about some of the things you see or hear.
You’ll feel an overwhelming urge to drop hints about what you’ve found
just to let him know you’re not a fool. My advice to you is don't. If
you give in to these urges prematurely, you’ll be making a serious
mistake. Keep your lips zipped and your emotions in check until you
have all the facts. Timing is everything. Don’t lose the advantage
you have by exposing your knowledge too soon.
Restrain Yourself
It will take great effort on your part to restrain yourself as the
evidence against your husband mounts Do not come right out and ask
him if he’s having an affair unless you’re prepared to hear a lie. It
usually takes solid evidence before a cheating husband will
reluctantly (if ever) admit to having an affair.
Even then, many men
continue to lie. Ask a few discreet questions, if you must, but
refrain from giving him the third degree. Continue your search for
telltale signs and put your major questions on hold. Jot them down in
a special section of your evidence journal.
You'll get a chance to
ask them later when you sit down and talk with him about his affair.
Restrain yourself for now. There’s nothing to be gained by dropping
hints or letting your husband know what you suspect. Reveal what you
know only at the right time, under the right circumstances.
The more information you gather about your husband’s affair, the more
fragile your emotions may become -- or the hotter your anger will
begin to blaze. If the pain of discovery becomes too much to bear or
you become too filled with rage to continue, hire a professional who
can investigate from an impersonal point of view.
Build a Strong Case
Once you have solid evidence that your husband is cheating, experts
agree that you should confront him with your knowledge of his affair.
Make sure your case is strong and your evidence solid. It will be hard
for him to deny the truth if you have things down in black and white.
That’s why it’s so important that you keep accurate notes. Otherwise,
he may try to confuse you or convince you it’s all in your mind. This
is a common ploy of cheating husbands when confronted with evidence of
their affair.
Plan Your Confrontation
When the time is right for you to confront your husband with what you
know about his affair, the time, place and goals of your confrontation
must be carefully planned. When you confront him, there are specific
questions you’ll need to ask him about the affair.
A WORD OF CAUTION:
Do not jeopardize your safety searching for telltale signs.
Take all necessary precautions to protect yourself and your children.
If at any time you feel that you are in danger; or if your husband has
aggressive tendencies, an explosive temper or has a history of violent
behavior, leave the detective work to a pro. Do not put
yourself or your children at risk.
© 2004 Ruth Houston All Rights Reserved
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